the need to stop but not wanting to stop

it's an addiction.
i miss him, but i don't want to miss him yet i do not want not to miss him.
complicated, si?

if i could turn back time, i would not done things differently.
I would still say no.

but, here comes the but..
if did ask me again, this time around, the answer would not be the same.
but, *another but*
i don't think he will ask again.

:(

excuse me while i go indulge in a bit of damien rice. his sorrow gives me hope.. ??